You're Spoob.

You find yourself in an empty room. There are doors to the northwest and northeast. You may check your stats, map or inventory at any time.

> Go northwest.

To the northwest is a small room. You see a chest and a plaque on the wall, as well as the exit to the southeast. You may also check your stats, map or inventory at any time.

> Investigate the chest.

That's a good thought. Common sense dictates that there must be all kinds of imposterous dungeon-trappings to look out for in these sorts of settings. This looks like a normal chest though.
It's not immediately obvious how to open it, since you don't have arms or hands. Perhaps one of your utility menus will help.

> Hey wait, you have hands in the picture!

You cannot use your extradiegetic emotive extremities to interact with physical objects!

> Let’s check the utility menu.

You decide to open your first utility menu, your stats. You may hover over any stat to learn about it, switch to the map or inventory, or close the menu.

> Hover over the gamma stat.

You decide to check all the stats on the left side of the screen, the side which holds your aptitudes.

• Α: alphaptitude / αptitude. Represents your physical strength and endurance.
• Β: betaptitude / βptitude. Represents your charisma and social skills.
• Γ: gammaptitude / γptitude. Represents your perception and reflexes.
• Δ: deltaptitude / δptitude. Represents your logic and intellect.
• Μ: μagic. Represents your magical skill.
• Ω: omegaptitude / ωptitude. Represents your luck and cosmic importance.

> Exit utility menu.

> Do a silly little dance.

So fucking awesome. This dungeon isn't ready for you.
I can't emphasize enough that this is the best possible use of your time.

> Open inventory.

You decide to open your third utility menu, your inventory. You may switch to your stats or map or close the menu.

> Examine drop shadow.

DropShadow: A classy accessory that keeps you looking sharp against the background. Any distinguished spoob wouldn't consider themself fully dressed without it!

As is customary, your drop shadow is equipped to slot d, the bottom slot.

> Can we equip DropShadow to slot a?

You don't really think this look would work for you.

> Examine util cards.

Your trusty enchanted stats, map and inventory cards. Where would you be without them? Certainly not here, on the inventory screen.

> Exit inventory, read sign.

> Open inventory.

You decide to go ahead and do the thing. Apparently the chest contains a stick, two points of αptitude, and 100 of whatever ® is.

> Equip stick c.

You claim your loot and equip the stick. Your stat-based rewards don't stay in your inventory, but will be reflected in your stats menu.

> Exit inventory.

You give your stick some experimental swings. You're prepared for anything this dungeon could throw at you, especially if it's a baseball.